how perfectly odd

20:13 me: Jon, I have to write a paper on this book called Silence by Shusaku Endo. it's a historical fiction about the persecution of the Catholic Christian church in Japan in the 1600's. its a very discouraging book (i had to keep reminding myself that it was FICTION) but asks a bunch of tough questions. i think you would like it. well, no, not LIKE it, but, like me, be made to ask hard questions because of it

20:14 Jon: hmm...maybe i'll have to read it then..it's on my list of books to read now..

20:15 me: maybe i can send it your way once i get the paper read. i got it off of amazon real cheap

20:16 and now i'm about to do something ridiculous, especially since i have this big paper looming on a book that is very confusing and my thoughts are all mottled about and so therefore it makes writing a coherent paper very difficult. anyway, i'm putting on HAPPY music (big step since that hasn't been the trend of late), sitting down with my mug, and pouring myself a nice cup of sparkling apple juice. now isn't that odd?

20:18 Jon: yes and no..yes because that hasn't been the recent trend and no because that's the christy i know

20:21 me: i'm glad there is still a little of the old me left

Jon: i'm glad too

20:22 i knew it was in there somewhere..

20:25 me: its a very odd feeling to be listening to happy music, drinking happy apple juice, and contemplating torture, apostasizing, and the skeleton that is the catholic church

20:29 Jon: hmm..

oh..the irony!

20:30 me: aha! and for a new blog! (i haven't posted this many blogs in forever!) I'm going to use this recent chat as my next blog! What do you think about that!?

20:34 Jon: i think that you like to blog excessively..j/k

i think that would be a good idea

i just wanted to say that cuz if you put it on the blog..then it'd be on there too

me: along with a picture that i just took! you'll have to go take a look!

20:35 yep! isn't this exciting?! You're going to be famous!

20:36 Jon: hahaha...you're hilarious

alright..well i've been grading but i gotta go..

sorry

i'll ttyl

6 minutes

20:44 me: now, at what point should i stop this conversation and copy & paste it to my blog

oh, well, i guess now would be a good time. since you're gone. bye :)

Have you ever been having an honestly AWFUL day (or week, or month, etc) and people ask the standard question of the promenade (or the cafe' line, or the dorm hall, etc)

"How are you?"

And you're really not doing great. In fact, you're pretty down under and tears might even be just about to flood over the gates you've barred up. But you don't want to tell them all that, because in reality, they don't want to know. For them it's just a formality, a greeting to acknowledge the presence of an acquaintance or old friend, and then continue on with their lives.

Synonyms for "good" rise to your lips and then fall away before ever making their escape. You don't want to lie. Because all those nice words wouldn't be the truth. And truth is important. So you stutter out one of those in-between words like "decent", "alright", "ok", or "fine". They might notice that your tone of voice is lacking in cheeriness but their mind is already reviewing for the quiz of the class that they are late to. So they rush off. And a tear overflows the barrier you've put up. and you walk on, alone.

Then you're sitting down at a club meeting, the potluck table at church, or in your dorm room. A friend sits down besides you, looks you directly in the eye, says those three words that you've been avoiding all day.

"How are you?"

And for the first time in a while, you know that the words are sincere. Finally, you muster the courage and force your tongue to form words that have been building up all day: "not so good", "awful", "not great", "could be better", "hurting", "sad". Relief floods in as you admit that the world isn't all it's cracked up to be. That sincere Christians indeed do have things that make them cry. That you're not the perfect person you pretend to be. That deep down, you're hurting as well. For the first time that day, you appreciate the three words that so many times make you cringe. And more importantly, you appreciate that person, close friend or not, who took the time to care.

DISCLAIMER: I'm not trying to be accusatory or make anyone feel bad. I just thought that maybe others have had these same feelings once upon a time. I like to say things that most people think or feel, yet never really want to say out loud. You can blame it on my friend Jon Van Ornam. He's the one who taught me.

Sssssscary (Seating Auditions)

This doesn't scare me:















This doesn't scare me:


















This doesn't scare me:























But this, most definitely scares me.























It seems no matter how hard I practice, no matter how ready I am, EVERY single time I sit down in Mrs. Minner's office for seating auditions, I inevitably play about 10 times worse than I know I can play. In fact, I've got it down to a science. I've thought about telling her my plight; somehow trying to explain the fact that I really can play it much better and that the problem is just that she scares the living daylights out of me. But.... I never thought that would go over so well. So, this morning, for the third year in a row, I walked out of her office biting my tongue and resigning myself to yet another year in the back of the orchestra. Oh well, it's good for my pride.

"Christy.... *sheepish grin* Will you help me write a symphony?" *Hopeful, eager, Jen look*

uh.... what do you say to a question like that?