Tuesday, April 21, 2009


The futility of life came over me just now. I go to school, gain knowledge, read books, write papers, live the crammed life of a college student. But what impact am I making?

The wind blows in the open window as I read, nudging the window shade strings hanging down the wall, twisting them around. Why am I inside? The day is glorious. Yet I remain inside. Reading. Learning. Digressing. Remembering. Am I really living, here in this secluded dorm room.

Life is composed of people, not knowledge. People are what matters. Relationships. Communication. Interaction.

Living. That’s what I want to do. I want to live. I want to taste, I want to feel, I want to experience. And not through books or other people’s experiences. I want to see it for myself. I don’t want to view the effects of the wind from my window. I want to be out IN the wind, feeling firsthand its effects on my life.

I’m tired of unfulfilled dreams. I’m tired of my goals passing under the bridge of my life like a sullied river. I want to be accomplishing, doing, living.

Maybe I have senioritis. This reminds me of my last year of academy. I was a junior. All my friends were graduating. I was ready for life to move on. I wanted change, newness. I was ready for the next adventure, the unknown that was just around the trail’s bend up ahead. I’m ready for that now. My solution in academy was to skip my senior year. Looking back, I don’t regret it. Sure, I missed a great year, at least it was great according to my former classmates. But I wasn’t jealous. I had continued on in the adventure of life. I was living. I was experiencing. The breeze was full on my face.

The breeze has died. I am bored. College isn’t new anymore. I used to wonder why people would ever want to leave college. It’s awesome! Now I understand. I’m ready for the next mountain to summit, the next valley to descend, the next bend in the trail to discover, the next skill to master, a new friend to make, a new culture to lose myself in.

My solution? I don’t know. I decided to stay here instead of going to ARISE and then on to a semester of SM work, which had been my original plan last semester. But I’m restless. Maybe it’s because I’m watching my friends move on to new things, new heights, new challenges. And in a way, I’m being left behind.

But I am reminded of Moses who spent 40 years in the wilderness before getting on to what you might call his “life’s calling.” It was there that God developed Moses’ character into one that truly reflected Him. And I remember David and his time in the pastures, tending his flock. It was there that he learned courage, patience, and a deep, impenetrable faith in a living God. Might this be my time of wandering? My time of growth? My time to learn patience, my time for God to refine, mold, and build. To teach me lessons that I will need for the work He will call me to.

By my rush to live, do I miss the reality of truly living? Because life is about about a day-to-day, moment-to-moment walk with God. About being in-step with Him no matter the circumstance, no matter the place. In the boring, in the mundane, the unexciting and unappealing, in what my human eyes see as small and unimportant. It’s about walking hand-in-hand, about keeping Him right before my eyes at every moment, so close that I can see the light reflex in His eyes. And you know what I see? My own image, reflected in His eyes, because He’s staring straight back at me.


Chopsticks on Oboe said...

Nice blog! I have certainly felt stir-crazy before, but I've come to the same conclusion... keep my eyes on God. The trick is to follow Him even when we aren't being "missionaries to the headhunters", but are missionaries in the midwest US, with one traffic light in the whole town. Paul speaks of being content in every circumstance. I would love to be the same.

Alex said...

I can completely identify with your sentiments. What I keep telling my self (sometimes more sucessfully than others) is that life is about the journey not the destination, yet choosing the right destination is critical to having the right journey.

Little Christen said...

This sounds familiar... ;) Lol. We are completely different. I generally look at change with tearful, apprehensive eyes, and you relish it. But, I can totally see your point. Every summer I go home and become a child again. Every fall I come back here and become an adult again. I'm eagerly awaiting the day when I can just be a child at heart and an adult in thought and action. But the more I think about my future career, the more I'd rather be a child for the rest of my life. Life is scary sometimes....or maybe it's just the expectation of it. Anyway, I thought this all would relate somehow to your blog...I'm afraid I have failed to remember the connection. In any case, I hope that you will find a part of your current life that you can cling to and be able to look back on with joy when you do get to live the life that you want right now. But in order to be content now, I'd have to agree, contentment only comes in Christ. :)

Kelsey said...

Hmm... good thoughts.

I love the verse Martina spoke of in Philippians 4:11 "I have learned in whatsoever state I am therewith to be content." But I recognize that it is easy to spout off such sensible solutions rather than live them. Discontent is an easy ingredient to add to the delicacy that God is creating.

Don't forget that impact is a challenging thing to measure. (Maybe I'm hungry... I'm using cooking words)

Jonas said...

"Life is composed of people, not knowledge. People are what matters."

I met three old men in Puno, Peru. We sat on a bench in a row, enjoying the sunshine. They were as curious about a 17-year old in southern Peru as I was curious about the stories hidden in every deeply set wrinkle. I told them about Maine, they told me about the Incas. I told them about growing tomatoes, they told me about growing potatoes. I asked what was most important in life: and all three answered differently.

#1. "Find a good wife."
#2. "Work Hard."
#3. "Get a good education -- it determines who you will meet and how hard you will have to work."

shama said...

I don't have anything profound to tell you, but God is teaching us many lessons and... I know how you feel.

Christy Joy said...

John E. - thanks for sharing that story. I'm still mulling over it.

barry said...

Reading this blog strikes sparks to my own restless longings. Churning through the monotonous cycle of college can be difficult, but leaping into the unknown is hardly a picnic. Both offer different personal challenges to be overcome.

Whether in the rut of routine or career of adventure, the essence of right living is knowing whether to reach out, hold on, or let go. Despite my wanderlust, I'm better at the first two than the last.

Christy Joy said...

I certainly relate to that last sentiment. I was going to post a blog last night stating something similar. I know that the struggle to let go contradicts with many of my thoughts in this blog but that's OK because I'm human and sometimes I have feelings that are contradictory.

Sometimes, humans are the exception to logic which makes it hard to theorize and develop standardized conceptual principles about them. Is the human habit of illogical thinking a bad trait? I think I would say not always... but I'd have to think on it a bit more.

Hmmm, I realized that I just started to digress into one of my favorite topics of late: statistical significance and risk when applied to human relationships. I have a whole theory on that idea but it would take a whole blog to explain... one that's been simmering for a long time now. Maybe I'll post it one of these days.

barry said...

Well, I've discovered some glaring contradictions and logical lapses in my life, and expect the same goes for most everyone. My best survival strategy in the face of such dissonance is to sieze just the present day for God, Future days are His department. I'll look forward to your blog.

Christy Joy said...

“We must go beyond textbooks, go out into the bypaths and untrodden depths of the wilderness and travel and explore and tell the world the glories of our journey.” --John Hope Franklin

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