The futility of life came over me just now. I go to school, gain knowledge, read books, write papers, live the crammed life of a college student. But what impact am I making?
The wind blows in the open window as I read, nudging the window shade strings hanging down the wall, twisting them around. Why am I inside? The day is glorious. Yet I remain inside. Reading. Learning. Digressing. Remembering. Am I really living, here in this secluded dorm room.
Life is composed of people, not knowledge. People are what matters. Relationships. Communication. Interaction.
Living. That’s what I want to do. I want to live. I want to taste, I want to feel, I want to experience. And not through books or other people’s experiences. I want to see it for myself. I don’t want to view the effects of the wind from my window. I want to be out IN the wind, feeling firsthand its effects on my life.
I’m tired of unfulfilled dreams. I’m tired of my goals passing under the bridge of my life like a sullied river. I want to be accomplishing, doing, living.
Maybe I have senioritis. This reminds me of my last year of academy. I was a junior. All my friends were graduating. I was ready for life to move on. I wanted change, newness. I was ready for the next adventure, the unknown that was just around the trail’s bend up ahead. I’m ready for that now. My solution in academy was to skip my senior year. Looking back, I don’t regret it. Sure, I missed a great year, at least it was great according to my former classmates. But I wasn’t jealous. I had continued on in the adventure of life. I was living. I was experiencing. The breeze was full on my face.
The breeze has died. I am bored. College isn’t new anymore. I used to wonder why people would ever want to leave college. It’s awesome! Now I understand. I’m ready for the next mountain to summit, the next valley to descend, the next bend in the trail to discover, the next skill to master, a new friend to make, a new culture to lose myself in.
My solution? I don’t know. I decided to stay here instead of going to ARISE and then on to a semester of SM work, which had been my original plan last semester. But I’m restless. Maybe it’s because I’m watching my friends move on to new things, new heights, new challenges. And in a way, I’m being left behind.
But I am reminded of Moses who spent 40 years in the wilderness before getting on to what you might call his “life’s calling.” It was there that God developed Moses’ character into one that truly reflected Him. And I remember David and his time in the pastures, tending his flock. It was there that he learned courage, patience, and a deep, impenetrable faith in a living God. Might this be my time of wandering? My time of growth? My time to learn patience, my time for God to refine, mold, and build. To teach me lessons that I will need for the work He will call me to.
By my rush to live, do I miss the reality of truly living? Because life is about about a day-to-day, moment-to-moment walk with God. About being in-step with Him no matter the circumstance, no matter the place. In the boring, in the mundane, the unexciting and unappealing, in what my human eyes see as small and unimportant. It’s about walking hand-in-hand, about keeping Him right before my eyes at every moment, so close that I can see the light reflex in His eyes. And you know what I see? My own image, reflected in His eyes, because He’s staring straight back at me.